Coming Around Again
by TessaSpencer
Summary: Jonathon has a secret he wants to share...but he's terrified (non-sequential)


May 30th, 1994  
  
Today was the day.  
  
*The* day.  
  
The first time I said it out loud. Well, not so much the first time I said it out loud as it was the first time I said it to someone in my family.  
  
It was terrifying. And I wanted to scream. I wanted to figure out a way to never have to say it-not because I am ashamed, because I know I love who I am-but I never wanted to say it.  
  
Saying 'it' is sort of dirty, in that some people see homosexuality as vulgar-some people feel that it's too flamboyant, or too 'in your face'.  
  
And then there is the actual act of saying it. There's no good way.  
  
'I'm gay.'  
  
'I prefer men.'  
  
'I don't like women.'  
  
'I'm a fag.'  
  
None of them were right. I just didn't know how to say it, but she made it easier.  
  
Sam and I met for our weekly coffee/gossipfest at the Grey Dog in the village. It seemed to be our thing: every week we'd get together and review the week's events. Often we'd laugh at grandma's latest antics, mom's latest campaigns, or Tony's class horror stories which were nothing short of lunacy some days. Since he started teaching at our old high school, we'd grown to appreciate the stories even more.  
  
We got breakfast, and joked about Mom and Tony's upcoming wedding. Neither one of us could believe it was finally happening. Almost ten years coming, but in a few months, they were going to walk down the aisle, and make everything official. Everything about the wedding was reminiscent of chaos, only because for some reason the little things kept going wrong, only furthering the stress of an already hectic event.  
  
Everything was running smoothly, until Sam asked me who I was bringing to the wedding. I wanted to tell her the truth-that I'd been seeing a terrific guy named Erik ever since I started at NYU in the fall, but that meant telling her the *other* part.  
  
I kind of side-stepped around it. I didn't want to tell her the truth. Or at least, I didn't want to say it. But then I remembered that it was Sam I was talking to, and since I wouldn't be able to go my entire life without ever saying it, I might as well start with her-she'd be my test.  
  
I kind of laughed, nervously, at first, and then smiled. "A wonderful, brilliant, second year psych major."  
  
"Ohhh," she said, in that girly, 'back in high school' kind of voice.  
  
"Erik. His name is Erik," I said again more firmly. And watched as carefully as I could for her reaction.  
  
I was shocked.  
  
"Well congratulations, Jonathon, but I'll tell you this: if you roped a man who's hotter than my Hank is.we have to do some serious talking!" Sam smiled, winked at me, and took my hand in hers.  
  
"Seriously?"  
  
"Yeah! I always thought I had all the looks, but if you've roped an Adonis, maybe I'm doing something wrong." She laughed, and then her eyes softened and she leaned in a bit. "I'm proud of you."  
  
It was amazing. It was like she already knew, and she loved me any way.  
  
Okay, I was more than a little bit scared going into it, but she was so understanding and accepting. I didn't feel like such an outcast, and for some reason, I think I'm ready to make the next step.  
  
Erik is coming over for dinner tonight. I've invited Sam over too, and we're going to have a little dinner party-just the three of us. I think I'm ready to start blending family and my boyfriend.  
  
2***  
  
"Did you find the throw for the couch?" Erik dug frantically through the cupboards searching for the blue and purple throw blanket we had picked up at a garage sale on 57th.  
  
"I thought you took it to be cleaned?"  
  
"No, I threw it in your pile to take home with you-since your Tony works such wonders!" Erik laughed as he continued digging.  
  
"Well I've not been home in a while," Jonathon said, unable to finish his thought out loud. 'I've not been home since we've started dating-I don't want to lie to anyone.'  
  
"I know-eventually, you'll have to tell them." Erik knew exactly why Jonathon had been reluctant-it was clear to him, but he also could almost understand. Parents seem to be anything but accepting when their child announces their sexual preference to be opposing to what they believed.  
  
It hadn't been easy for Erik to come out. His father, a wealthy architect, practically disowned him, while his mother asked him if he wouldn't mind pretending to be straight. Something about reading a headline 'congresswoman's son prefers boys' seemed to worry her for the next election.  
  
"Sam's coming over, and she knows. This is step one," Jonathon said as he opened another bottle of wine. There was no way he wanted to brave the evening without some measure of alcohol.  
  
Erik set the table and poured two glasses of the expensive wine. "I see you brought out the good stuff," he joked, as he handed a glass to Jonathon, and took his hand. "This will be okay-you already said that Sam knows and she understands, so tonight is just a formality."  
  
Jonathon squeezed his hand. "I know, it just feels so.strange. I always knew I'd have to come out someday, and coming out to Sam was very natural, but this feels like the beginning of telling everyone else."  
  
Erik gave him a knowing look-they both understood that this would start the ball rolling. From that moment on, they'd be building towards telling Tony and Angela, and they could only hope that would go as well.  
  
From what he had heard, Erik had very few reservations about his boyfriend's family. They were very dynamic and understanding, and deep down, he knew they only wanted what was best for their son. Jonathon's biological father would be a different story, he decided, but Erik could foresee no reason that Tony and Angela would take it badly.  
  
At the sound of knocking at the door, Jonathon felt his heart palpitate. "Batter up," he said as he made his way to the doorway, and opened it to reveal Sam. And Mona.  
  
"Grandma," Jonathon said in a state of shock, staring at Sam.  
  
"She kinda.guessed." Sam offered her most apologetic look, and wished that she had managed to avoid the fiery red head. But she hadn't been so lucky.  
  
"Don't blame her," Mona said kindly, as she wrapped her arms around her grandson. "She told me she was coming to have dinner with you, and I asked her if that meant you were finally opening up."  
  
"It spiraled from there," Sam said quietly.  
  
"If you're going to come out, you want me around, don't you?" Mona winked at her grandson and smiled.  
  
"How?" Jonathon couldn't muster a whole sentence.  
  
"Like it was hard?" She laughed. "I just knew," Mona concluded. "I'm a smart old broad."  
  
Sam hugged Jonathon, and then whispered in his ear. "She couldn't stop raving on the way over how proud she was of you, and how much she respected you-it's okay, really."  
  
Jonathon squeezed Sam more tightly, and then gestured for them to come further into the apartment.  
  
"Erik, my grandmother is here to," Jonathon said, suddenly getting used to the idea, but still reluctant to think too much about it. After all, if she knew, then did that mean that Tony and Angela knew too?  
  
"The infamous Mona?" Erik entered the living room and smiled widely at the women standing in front of him. They were exactly like Jonathon had described them.  
  
"I'm infamous now, huh?" Mona grinned as she wrapped her arms around Erik, in a tight embrace.  
  
"You've always been infamous," Sam teased.  
  
"You're right." Looking Erik up and down, Mona laughed. "Jonathon, honey, you learned from the best-apparently we have the same taste in men. You did great."  
  
Erik blushed at the compliment, and Jonathon tried not to seem too giddy. He was lucky, he decided. Two amazing women in his life, and a fabulous man.  
  
"Yeah, seriously, I want some pointers," Sam said, extending her hand to Erik, and being pulled into a tight hug.  
  
3***  
  
"You're kidding? They actually asked you to pretend to be straight?" Mona laughed boisterously.  
  
"Yep, and when I said no, they asked if I could be 'non-practicing'." Erik smiled. "Because being gay is like being catholic-you can choose not to date, just as you can choose not to attend church."  
  
Sam took another sip of her wine before she entered the conversation. "So, if you don't mind me asking, how long have you been out?"  
  
"I've always known," Erik said honestly, "but I didn't tell my parents until my senior year in high school, when I met this terrific guy who tried to teach me the ways of the world."  
  
"Yeah, Phillip was a great influence, wasn't he?" Jonathon wiggled his eyebrows teasingly, and then grinned widely when his boyfriend blushed again.  
  
"Oh, story? Let's hear it." Mona leaned forward.  
  
"Just.he took me to my first gay bar, and it was.REALLY gay. I couldn't get over how all these people were so comfortable with being with other men and women, and I couldn't understand how they weren't just a little scared like I was."  
  
"He got so nervous, he puked when a guy asked him to dance," Jonathon concluded.  
  
"So you both have weak stomachs, huh?" Sam giggled, at the remembrance of Jonathon puking on his ex-step mom during her wedding.  
  
"We have a lot in common, actually," Erik said as he lovingly gazed at Jonathon, this time invoking a blush in the cute blond man. "I want to work with Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, as a social worker and case worker, and Jonathon is working towards doing the publicity and legal aspects for community groups as well. We'll be poor but fulfilled in our old age, we hope."  
  
"That's really admirable," Mona said, full of respect for the men sitting in front of her. "But that does mean you'll have to tell your mother sometime."  
  
"I will," Jonathon felt trapped. "I really will. I'm just not sure how to tell her."  
  
"I'd like to go to the wedding," Erik added, hoping to nudge Jonathon away from inaction.  
  
Jonathon looked back up at him, trying to give him a look to explain how much he wants him there, and then a quiet fell over the table. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it was noticeable.  
  
"To friends, and family," Erik said, raising his glass for a toast.  
  
"To compassion and respect," Mona added.  
  
4***  
June 2nd, 1994  
  
It went really well. I can't believe how well it went.  
  
Erik and grandma are going out for coffee sometime to discuss psych theories, and Erik wants to take Sam to some underground art exhibit. I think he just wants to expose them to more gay culture, but no matter what the rationale, I won't deny him the opportunity to get to know my family.  
  
Dinner was really easy going. We just laughed and talked about all the things that bothered us about society, and although it came back to gay culture from time to time, I felt more comfortable with the knowledge that they were accepting us for who we were. Regardless.  
  
Sam wants me to go with her to a PFLAG fundraiser. I guess she had signed up to chair the 'drag king' jeopardy game. I can't imagine her dressed in a zoot suit and asking questions about gay iconology, but I have to see it all the same.  
  
What astounds me the most is that she has been so active in the community, and I never knew! I think she didn't want to make me uncomfortable by bringing it up, but I'm sort of sad that she didn't tell me. I would have preferred she be in the know sooner. Then I'd have someone to call when Erik first asked me to go steady, and when Erik gave me the infinity ring.  
  
There were all these times when I wanted nothing more than to have someone to share my 'exciting' moments with. Sam would have been the most perfect confidante, but I was too scared to approach her-I had no clue that she was being so active in the gay community.  
  
Erik says that I'm really lucky-that he wishes he had people like them in his family, but then he gave me one of those heart stopping smiles that he is so wonderful at and he held me really tightly. 'But in a way, they're kind of my family, so I got lucky too, I guess.'  
  
I felt warm and happy.  
  
It was amazing to be there in that moment, realizing that if nothing else, I had three people in my life that loved me unconditionally, and now, I just have to build up the nerve to tell Mom and Tony.  
  
I need to do it soon, because the more I think of it, the more I want to have Erik there with me at the wedding.  
  
I'm not sure how to tell them though. I was trying to mastermind a good way to bring it up but no matter what I think of, I realize that there are so few things that I could possibly say that would segue well in to 'mom, Tony.I'm gay.'  
  
Sam mentioned doing a dinner at the apartment, and having Erik there. I'd like him to be there because he'd be supportive for me, but I'm torn. If they react really badly, I don't want him to have to go through that again.  
  
I think I'm going to invite them over, and I'll bring Sam and Grandma out for support. We'll do dinner, and we'll talk about everything in our lives. Hopefully, they'll ask me who I'm bringing to the wedding, and then I can tell them about Erik. Either they'll clue in or they won't, but no matter what, Erik will be accompanying me.  
  
Well, that's the idea at least. Here's hoping it works.  
  
5***  
  
Frantically racing through the apartment, Jonathon tried to make everything seem as perfect as possible. He had done as much as he could to make the apartment seem welcoming, and despite having to hide a few books from his shelf, he felt that it was 'not too gay' and 'not too in denial.'  
  
Thinking about his mother knowing his 'secret' terrified Jonathon still. For years he had debated bringing up the mere idea in conversation, but he could never muster any courage to actually approach it.  
  
'So, how do you feel about the rise in openly gay relationships?' Nope. Not a good start to a conversation.  
  
'I was just thinking about the gay pride parade.Do you think it's a recognized event?' Uh, no. Too desperate.  
  
'Hey, mom, by the way, did I ever mention I prefer to date people of the same anatomical structure as me?' Just too.wrong.  
  
"You've got to stop thinking about this," Erik said, wrapping an arm around Jonathon's abdomen.  
  
"It's a little hard.They are going to be here in less than a half hour, and I'm not all that inclined to believe it will go well."  
  
"So you'd rather believe it will go poorly? Oh, well," Erik said, exaggerating his words, "why even have them over?"  
  
"Don't," Jonathon said in his most foreboding tone. "You know what I mean."  
  
"And I know that you're probably being dramatic. Sam and Mona were wonderful, so why should you think this will go any differently?"  
  
"Because my mother is very conservative. She is, by nature, very old fashioned in some ways."  
  
"She has a male housekeeper, whom she is marrying."  
  
"She didn't want to hire Tony-that was grandma's influence."  
  
"Your mother works with tones of fags," Erik said jokingly.  
  
Jonathon glared at him. "Tonight, we have to keep the talk PG, okay? No fag-language. And for tonight only, no talk of underground art exhibits or the ambisexual mating habits of chimps, and how it applies to humans. My mom will not be able to handle that."  
  
Erik laughed. "How about the mating habits of her son?"  
  
"Don't even joke about that," Jonathon said, turning around and seizing Erik's lips in a deep kiss.  
  
"I think you might not want to do that while she's here," Erik said jokingly, as their lips separated.  
  
When the doorbell chimed, Jonathon just about jumped out of his skin. "Show time?"  
  
Erik nodded sweetly, and returned his attention to the table with the hopes of being able to hide his nervousness.  
  
"Hey everyone," he could hear Jonathon say has he reset the silverware.  
  
There were rounds of excited hellos and hugs, as Jonathon nervously greeted his mother, the man he considered his father and the only two women in his life that knew about his secret.  
  
"Hank couldn't make it?" Jonathon looked towards Sam, wondering if she was still having problems in her marriage.  
  
"He's helping his dad renovate the home of Governor Bartlet of New Hampshire."  
  
"Wow," Jonathon said, genuinely impressed.  
  
"I guess the Governor is a trivia buff or something because Hank keeps calling home with the most insane trivial facts, which I know he's not learning from the other guys on the crew. It's freakin' me out, to say the least." Sam grinned widely, more than slightly amused that her husband was being tortured while he was away.  
  
"Dare I ask?"  
  
"Do you know the only three words in the English language that begin with 'dw'?"  
  
Jonathon offered her an equally joyous expression. "Is it bad I know the answer?"  
  
Tony and Angela exchanged glances.  
  
"Dwarf, dwindle, and dwell," Sam and Jonathon said at the same time.  
  
"Wow, it's like.parade of dorks," Mona teased as she embraced her grandson in a tight hug.  
  
"Hey grandma."  
  
"I was thinking, now that you're older, maybe you should call me Mona-I don't want anyone to think I'm old enough to have a grandson your age," she teased, as she walked a little further into the apartment, obviously looking for Erik.  
  
"Mother!" Angela was once again indignant, but bemused by the situation.  
  
"Hey, it's bad enough I have no choice but let you call me mother," Mona said with a quick wink.  
  
"Come on in, everyone," Jonathon said, as he took coats and directed them all to the living room.  
  
"Hi," Erik said, trying to muster all of his courage, and at the same time get a basic evaluation of his 'sort-of in-laws'.  
  
Angela was beautiful, he decided quickly, and he understood how Jonathon had turned out so perfectly. Tony was very muscular and very well toned- obviously he still worked out just as compulsively as he did when Jonathon lived at home and truth be told it actually suited Tony.  
  
"Oh, hi," Angela said, smiling. She had been worried about Jonathon since mid fall when he just stopped coming home-for some reason he never seemed to visit anymore. From time to time, he'd swing by the agency, but even then, they were quick visits and he never seemed to want to talk much. Knowing that he had friends made her feel better-Angela had worried for quite a while that he was too ashamed to go home because he wasn't fitting in at school.  
  
"Hi," Erik said, smiling and extending his hand. "Mrs. Bower, I'm Erik."  
  
She shook his hand firmly, impressed by his manners but some what taken aback by his obvious nervous state.  
  
"Mr. Micelli," he continued, as he turned to Tony and extended his hand.  
  
"Eh oh, oh eh, any friend of Jonathon can call us Angela and Tony."  
  
Erik grinned at the use of the expression he had heard Jonathon use many a nights when trying to tell Erik about his family. At first he was convinced that it was his boyfriend's dramatic flare, but as Jonathon explained, Erik began to realize that it was actually the way Tony spoke.  
  
"Thank you," Erik said genuinely, before leading the group to the sitting area. "Mona, Sam, nice to see you ladies again." They three exchanged smiles and little waves from across the room.  
  
Angela felt her heart sink. Was she the only one not involved in her son's life?  
  
"I had the pleasure of meeting Sam and Mona a little while ago," Erik explained.  
  
"Oh, great," Angela said through clinched teeth.  
  
"So, I hear you are getting married," Erik said, trying to break the silence that seemed to wedge itself between them.  
  
"Yes, only a few more months," Angela said, her voice betraying her and expressing relief.  
  
"It's been almost a thousand years since these two met," Mona said, knowing she wasn't telling Erik anything he didn't already know, but at the same time, feeling the need to lighten the atmosphere.  
  
"Mona," Tony whined. "Angela and I had to wait until everything would be perfect. It took us a long time to find each other."  
  
Sam snickered. "It took you a long time to find your way through the hallway and to the other room."  
  
Angela blushed.  
  
"No matter what Jonathon might have told you, the house in Fairfield is big, but not so large that it should have taken ten years to make it through maybe seven feet of hallway."  
  
Erik laughed. "You guys have great relationships, you know that?"  
  
Tony looked at him, starting to wonder what his story was. "We've been pretty lucky," he said finally.  
  
"And you guys all love each other with all your hearts. It's nice to see."  
  
Angela smiled-Erik was obviously a very loving and caring young man, and that made her feel better about Jonathon's other friends. He hadn't fallen in with the wrong type of crowd, she decided happily.  
  
"We're very lucky."  
  
"So, what's the drama of the week for the wedding," Sam asked, veering them back on course.  
  
"Well, we're not having much luck weeding out the guest list. Mother insists on inviting all these people she knows, who I have no recollection of."  
  
"Ex-boyfriends?" Erik asked teasingly.  
  
"You would have thought she'd clue into that herself by now."  
  
"Why would you want them there?"  
  
"Because I bought the most amazing dress, and I want them all to see how amazing I look, and to remind them that I dumped them." Mona grinned.  
  
Angela just looked at her, unsure of what she could say to her mother that wouldn't be totally inappropriate. Then again, this was her mother, and she was, by virtue of character and ideals, almost totally inappropriate.  
  
"We'll talk," Tony said sternly.  
  
"So, Jonathon, honey, have you chosen anyone to bring yet? You had better get your guest card in soon, before mother has them all filled with her exboyfriends and her manicurist."  
  
"Hey, I did not invite Jean Pierre-he's insulted you didn't invite him yourself." Mona chided as she shifted nearer to Jonathon.  
  
"Um.Well, yeah, actually, I have. Erik is going to come with me," he said, as he felt his body tense.  
  
"Oh. What happened to that . Courtney girl you were dating?" Angela looked at her son, confused and more than a little naively.  
  
"I haven't dated her since last summer, mother, and even that was for like.twenty minutes and a lunch break."  
  
Erik and Mona exchanged knowing glances.  
  
"So you've not been seeing anyone? I kind of thought you hadn't come home because you were settling in with someone," Tony teased. "You know the way it goes-you meet someone and can't bear to be separated from them." He squeezed Angela's hand firmly.  
  
"Actually." Jonathon held his breath for a minute, before he could manage to force the words. "I'm seeing.I'm seeing Erik," he said with finality, before looking between the couple.  
  
"Pardon?" Angela looked at him. She wasn't rude, or blunt, but she was definitely shocked. And more than a little unsure of what he was saying.  
  
Erik decided that it wasn't a good time to enter the conversation. He'd be best keeping any opinions or words to himself.  
  
"I've been dating Erik since just after my frosh week," Jonathon said quietly.  
  
"Like, dating dating?" Tony looked at him, and when he realized that Jonathon was nothing but serious, his eyes softened. "If he makes you happy, then there's nothing else that matters, right?"  
  
"Really?" Jonathon asked, in a state of shock.  
  
"Yeah, of course. We want nothing less than for you to be happy.If that's what you want from your partner, than you should have it."  
  
Jonathon looked over to his mother. "Mom? The silence is killing me."  
  
"No," she said softly. "It's not all right. It's not even close to alright. It's not okay," she said again. Angela looked bewildered-like someone had dragged her into a boxing match and taken her, round for round, knocking her out repeatedly.  
  
"Ang," Tony began, before realizing she wasn't hearing anything any more.  
  
"I've got to get out of here, I'm sorry." Angela stood, and blindly found her way to the door.  
  
"Angela!" Mona called after her, halting her in her tracks. When Angela didn't respond any further, she continued her sentiment. "I know how hard it is to try and be someone you're not. You know how hard it is. Don't ask Jonathon to do that either."  
  
Angela just kept walking, not even pulling the door behind her.  
  
"I've got to go after her," Tony said quickly, worried that once she had made it out of his sight, he'd have problems finding her. "But Jonathon, we both love you, and I'll call you later on tonight." Sam and Mona moved in, around Erik who was embracing Jonathon, trying to stop the flow of tears.  
  
6***  
  
"Angela," Tony called as he raced down the street after her. "Angela!" She wasn't answering him. "You can't run away," he said more loudly, wishing he could make her stop. Instead, he broke into a run, until he was directly beside her, and then he grabbed her arm.  
  
"How could you do that to me?"  
  
Tony looked at her, confused.  
  
"How could you do that to me?" She asked again, crying.  
  
"What did I do?"  
  
"Tell him it was okay-that everything was okay!" Angela was distraught. Her hands were shaking, and she could feel her heart palpitating within her chest. If ever she thought she was going to explode, this was the time!  
  
"It will be, though. He needed to know we weren't going to walk away from him because of his choice!" Tony looked as deeply into Angela's eyes as she'd let him.  
  
"Let's go home," she said quietly.  
  
"Or we could talk this out now," Tony said pointedly, concerned about what was happening with his family.  
  
"We're not talking about it," Angela said, the finality in her voice frightening him. He had never seen her so closed off to conversation-it just wasn't the way Angela was, least of all with him.  
  
Without saying anything, they walked back to their car and remained silent for the drive home.  
  
Tony couldn't understand where Angela was coming from-he always considered her to be open-minded, and frank. He always thought that Angela would be the one to accept almost anything, and most importantly, he was convinced that she loved her son too much to hurt him like that.  
  
"You should probably sleep in your old room tonight," she said, as she stood on the bottom step of the stairway. The look in her eye was pleading for him not to fight her on this.  
  
"Angela," Tony began, wishing that he could magically make her feel better. "We've not slept in a separate room since I got back from Iowa."  
  
"Well, it's just to give us both some space. Just for tonight," she said, unconvincingly.  
  
"I don't want space, for any length of time," Tony argued.  
  
"I do! Jesus, Tony, I just got the most devastating news I could-can you give me some time to absorb it?"  
  
"Not at the expense of our relationship," Tony said, rising to meet her on the first step.  
  
"I'm not sacrificing us," Angela said, wishing Tony could understand.  
  
"But you are hurting us," he whispered, before taking her hand in his and squeezing it gently.  
  
"I'm hurting." Her voice was a near whisper as well, betraying the stone- faced expression she wore.  
  
"I know," he said before pulling her into a tight embrace.  
  
"I'm scared Tony."  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"Of him dying," she began, feeling some degree of relief having spoken the words, and somehow more fear, because the expression of such a thought would certainly give it life. "I'm afraid of him getting hurt, because there are a lot of homophobes out there who wouldn't think twice about hurting my son. I'm afraid of him getting sick, because so many gay men get AIDS, and I'm afraid that if I have to bury him." Angela was outright sobbing now, unable to maintain any composure at all. "I'm afraid because he's my son and I love him, and I have a hard time dealing with it-what would it be like from someone else's perspective.someone who doesn't love him for his gentle ways, or his kindness?"  
  
Tony squeezed her more tightly. "Angela, oh, Angela, is this what you've been thinking about all night?"  
  
"Jeff, from work, he's gay, and he says that even he's scared sometimes. He's lost so many friends, so many boyfriends.He has had to say goodbye to so many people, and he's barely thirty-five. I don't want that for Jonathon. I don't want him to have to deal with those types of anxiety and fear."  
  
"Would you rather he live under a veil all of his life, never feeling love? Because if you think it'd be easier for him to 'pretend' to be straight, I bet you'd find out it probably wouldn't be. I think you'd see-pretty quickly-that he'd rather take his chances." Tony used his index finger to raise Angela's eyes to level. "Love is a risk-we know that better than anyone else-and it's not for us to decide that it's a risk worth taking for him. We need to let him build his own life."  
  
She didn't really say anything, instead leaning her body more flush against his. They just stood there, on the steps, holding each other for what felt like hours, and then when they both felt like they could move again, without their bodies betraying them, Tony led Angela to their bedroom.  
  
They had to sleep, and they had to figure out some answers to all of their questions floating inside of their heads.  
  
7***  
  
They didn't take it as well as I'd secretly hoped. I know that's unfair to say, but I have to. I can at least be honest with you, right? I mean, you're a stupid book, and you're not about to tell anyone.  
  
I'm just so frustrated. I knew that mom wouldn't exactly be jumping for joy at the prospect of me being gay, but I kind of had a scenario worked out in my head. It would be like she understood this wasn't an act of rebellion, or disobedience, but really just me trying to be *me*.  
  
I guess that was too much to ask though, because instead of realizing that being gay is a part of me, she seems to just be focusing on what being gay is.Or, at least, she seems to be focusing on the thought, and not so much me.  
  
Erik has been great. When Grandma and Sam left, he came and crawled into bed beside me, just to hold me and remind me that he still loves me.  
  
I can genuinely see our relationship going the distance-I can't imagine any moment of my life without him by my side, loving me.  
  
Sam and Grandma said they'd talk to Tony and mom in the morning. I'm not so worried about Tony (although, I confess, he was my bigger concern before the announcement, and I was happily surprised by his understanding) because he seems to be genuinely supportive of me, no matter what happens.  
  
Mom seems to be the joker. I know she has a tonne of gay friends-she works with half of the gay community through commercials, and then with her sponsorship of the arts-but I'm wondering if she really ever thinks about it, or if she is happier pretending that the men and women with whom she works are just the gender extremes?  
  
I can't really sleep tonight, which seems to be pretty standard considering the day I've had. I think my final decision for tonight is to wait and see. I'm not changing for her, that much I know. I'm not letting her decide for me that I should be straight, because I'm not. So, if she can't deal with it, then she'll have to decide if she wants me in her life or not, because I'm not willing to give up Erik. I love him too much.  
  
8***  
  
"Hey Tony," Mona said, as she entered the kitchen. She had been thinking all night about what had happened, and as much as she was disappointed in Angela, Mona was also more than a little concerned about the strain the news could possibly take on Tony and Angela's relationship.  
  
She had never seen Angela so distraught, nor had she ever seen Tony and Angela of such different opinions. She hadn't anticipated that they would go different directions.  
  
Mona had never doubted that Jonathon's confession would be trying on his mother-in fact she had anticipated a similar reaction, although of a less explosive magnitude.  
  
"Hi, Mon, how are you?" Tony hadn't looked away from his task-organizing something that resembled breakfast for the trio.  
  
"I'd be better if you told me that Angela called Jonathon last night, after we all left."  
  
Tony could only offer her a pained expression.  
  
"She barely slept last night," he confessed. "I could hear her get up at least three times. I finally fell asleep around four, but I don't know if she ever made it."  
  
Mona sighed as she poured her coffee into a mug that he had set out for her. "She needs to pull it together for him. He needs her to be there for him, and he needs for her to tell him that she'll be able to love him despite it," Mona felt her chest constrict. It had been a painful few days.  
  
"Thanks mother, for reminding me what a terrible parent I've been," Angela said as she stumbles into the kitchen, in her pink terry robe and bunny slippers, the belt loosely knotted around her hips.  
  
"Eh oh, oh eh, you have *not* been a terrible parent!" Tony wished he could make her realize that there was nothing she could change at this point.  
  
"You're right, because running out on my son, when he introduced me to his boyfriend, that gets me a nomination for mother of the year, easily. Of course, there was also the time that I was happy he didn't get that position at school. Maybe that's where I went wrong." Angela fell into her chair, barely managing to position herself at the table.  
  
"When did you ever wish Jonathon anything less than the best?" Mona looked at her daughter, waiting with baited breath for her reply. She knew that whatever feeble example Angela would give her, there would be a reasonable explanation to be had.  
  
"When Jonathon didn't make a/v club," Angela provided meekly.  
  
"Yep, that'd make him gay," Mona said abruptly.  
  
Tony stifled a laugh.  
  
"I'm glad you find this amusing," Angela said, glaring at Tony.  
  
"I don't find the situation funny-I love Jonathon, and I'm worried about him too, but Madonna-mia, if you honestly believe that Jonathon's gay because we were happy when he didn't make the audio-visual club when he was all of eight years old, then you really have to forgive me for my laughing."  
  
"I just.don't know what to say any more. I feel like I can't say anything right."  
  
"You could tell him that you love him. We could drive out to the city now, meet him after his classes are done for the day, and take him for coffee. We could talk to him, and maybe clear this entire mess up?"  
  
"What's to clear up, Tony? Do you think he misspoke when he said that he was gay?"  
  
"No," Mona chimed in, "but maybe you didn't hear everything he was trying to say. He wanted your approval, desperately, and you walked away from him. Make it up to him, Angela. You owe him at least that much."  
  
Tony and Angela exchanged glances. "If you're uncomfortable going into the city, why don't we invite Erik and Jonathon here?"  
  
Angela stared at him, not sure what he was saying.  
  
"We invite them out for dinner, and we talk. You tell him what you said to me, and to us, and we enjoy having him here." Tony waited a second. "The longer we wait, the harder it will be."  
  
Picking up the phone and dialing the number, Tony passed the receiver to Angela.  
  
"Hello," at first Angela didn't recognize the voice, but quickly she placed it as Erik's.  
  
"Hi," she forced. "This is Angela, Jonathon's mom."  
  
"Oh, hey," Erik struggled to not berate her for being so hard on Jonathon.  
  
"Um, I'm just calling to invite you and Jonathon to dinner-we have a lot to talk about, and I think I.I think I was unfair last night. I didn't talk to either of you really, and then." Angela couldn't find the words to say what she needed to.  
  
"Wow," Erik said in shock. "When were you planning on having this dinner?"  
  
"As soon as it's convenient for you-Tony and I will clear our schedules accordingly."  
  
"Is tonight too soon? I think it's probably best we have this talk sooner rather than later," he said, hoping that Jonathon wouldn't mind him making the plans without him.  
  
"No, not at all. Actually, it's probably best we get together soon." Angela sighed. "So, tonight? Say.six o'clock?"  
  
"Can we make it seven? Jonathon has class until 4:30, and he'll want to come home and get ready before we head in."  
  
"Sure, sounds good. See you tonight," she said, and without waiting for a reply, she hung up the phone.  
  
"So?"  
  
"So, tonight at seven, Jonathon's bringing his boyfriend home," Angela picked at an imaginary piece of lint on her sweater.  
  
"You did good," Tony said, moving in to embrace her.  
  
"You did great," Mona agreed.  
  
"We'll see how I do tonight," she said softly, "and then you can tell me how I did."  
  
9***  
  
"I've made my famous veal parmigiana and stuffed eggplant-I figured that as long as Jonathon was home, we might as well feed him his favourites." Tony continued to stir the noodles that he had boiling on the stove.  
  
"He really should be half Italian, considering his food preferences," Angela said, smiling meekly.  
  
"Well, he's had a great influence," Tony laughed, before placing the pot lid back on the pot.  
  
"Thank you," she said quietly.  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Thank you," Angela repeated.  
  
"For?"  
  
"For being here, and helping me raise my son, for keeping me together through some very difficult times, and for loving me." Angela felt a weight lifted from her shoulders. Sometimes she wondered if he had any clue how much he saved her from herself, and how he kept her together during the most horrendous times of her life.  
  
"I'm never going anywhere," he said confidently, "and I only did all of that because I love you and Jonathon. Nothing could have stopped me from doing those things."  
  
"But I didn't deserve you, you know that, right? You came back after we fired you, you stayed through Geoffrey, and you stayed despite the ambiguous relationship we had. You waited until I proposed to you, and you came back from Iowa to be here. You've given up so many pieces of you though these past ten years, and I've never really thanked you." Angela watched his expression carefully, wishing he could read her mind. There were so many little things left unspoken that she wanted to share with him, but at the same time, she felt silly telling him she was grateful that he knew exactly what kind of softener she liked used on her clothes, and the way she liked her coffee in the morning before she's really woken up as opposed to the way she took her coffee through the day.  
  
"Angela, I'm a guy from Brooklyn-an ex ballplayer with a bum shoulder and a crap knee. I'm a widower, and I had to come here to be your housekeeper to give my daughter a better life. How can you even begin to think you that you don't deserve me? I've always been afraid I've not been good enough for you." He rested his hands tenderly on her hips, and looked her squarely in the eyes.  
  
"Well, I guess we're both feeling a little inadequate," Angela laughed.  
  
"I think we prove that love is hard enough-there are so many factors, and so many variables that can knock you on your ass-sometimes you just have to accept the curve balls life throws you," he whispered.  
  
"Yeah.you can't help who you fall in love with.And I don't want to deny him the depth of feelings I have for you."  
  
"So, topic closed, decision made?"  
  
"Yep, let's finish dinner," she said, pressing a soft kiss on his lips before rushing to get the table set.  
  
10***  
  
"I can't believe I'm here," Jonathon said, as he stood on the porch of the house.  
  
"Well, we need to do this-it's a part of growing up, right?"  
  
"Bringing your gay lover home?"  
  
"It's a part of *us* growing up." Erik smiled as he knocked on the door.  
  
"There's a doorbell," Jonathon laughed.  
  
"Which you shouldn't be using," Tony said as he opened the door. "You're family-you live here when ever you want to. Next time, just come in." Tony was smiling widely, which was somewhat disconcerting for Jonathon. He had expected more of the same from the night before. He was waiting for yelling, screaming, or some other equally painful way to spend the night.  
  
"Thanks for inviting us Tony," Erik said, as he was shuffled through the door and into the living room.  
  
"Any time," Tony said, hanging up the coats.  
  
"You have a really beautiful home." Erik smiled as he absorbed the warmth and subtle familiarity of the house. Through Jonathon's stories, he felt like he had been there before.  
  
"Thank you," Angela said, entering through the kitchen. "Although, from what I've heard, you grew up in quite the extraordinary house." She smiled, before hugging both of the boys and sitting down in the chair. "Your dad was a client of mine, many years ago when I was with Wallace and McQuade, and he was very successful."  
  
"Ah, but it wasn't as . warm as yours. Really, you have a wonderful home." He tried not to sound too upset, but he couldn't hide the fact that he was sort of disappointed that the house he grew up in was not nearly as full of love as this one.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm being insensitive, again," Angela said, giving him a tender smile, trying to let him know that she realized how hard it must have been on him.  
  
Jonathon felt like he was going to explode. "Okay, I can't handle this! Seriously, can we discuss something other than houses and parents?" He felt Erik's hand instinctively clamp on to his, and the colour drained from Angela's face.  
  
"I guess I shouldn't beat around the bush.I just wanted you two here, so we could talk about what happened." Angela waited a second, gathered her nerves and then began again. "I am sorry about the way I behaved when you told me. I love you so much-you're my son, and I want nothing more than for you to be happy."  
  
"If it's the way you want me to be, right?" Jonathon looked spiteful, as if he had a thousand things to say and not enough air in his lungs to manage it.  
  
"Actually, I just want you to be happy.When you told me, I got scared.scared that something would happen to you because of the choices you're making, and that worried me. I don't ever want you to feel like less of a person, or like less valuable of a person because of who you love- and I was scared that someone would use it against you." Angela's eyes focused on Jonathon, and then shifted to Erik, who was clinging to her son's hand. "You guys look very good together-and Erik is a really nice young man."  
  
Tony grinned. Progress. No yelling, no screaming.no crying. "Your mother and I talked it over, and we both agreed that there is nothing we want more for you than a chance to experience life to its fullest, and if you lied about who you are.you'd lose out on so much."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really," Angela said, smiling.  
  
Everyone suddenly relaxed, as if heaving a sigh of relief for the first time since they had all sat down.  
  
After a moment of silence, there was a quick transition from the eerie calm to a bustle of conversation.  
  
11***  
  
"That wasn't so bad," Erik said, settling into his spot in the bed.  
  
"It wasn't, was it?" Jonathon smiled at the memory of dinner with his parents, and his boyfriend.  
  
"Your mom is an amazing woman, once you get to know her."  
  
"And Tony is a great guy."  
  
When the phone rang, Jonathon rolled out of Erik's embrace and grabbed the phone beside the bed. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey honey," Angela said, whispering, obviously trying not to wake any one at the house.  
  
"Mom?"  
  
"I just want to say again, how sorry I am. And I want you to know that I really do like Erik-he's terrific for you."  
  
"That means a lot to me," Jonathon said, as he settled back into the bed.  
  
"Say good night to Erik for me, and we'll talk soon, okay?" She felt reluctant hanging up on him, as if her protective abilities would somehow dwindle when she hung up the phone.  
  
"I love you mom."  
  
"I love you honey."  
  
Tony smiled as Angela hung up the phone. "You were amazing."  
  
"Scared beyond belief," she confessed.  
  
"But you'd never know it.we'll get through this together, I promise." Taking her hand and leading her to their room, Tony couldn't help but remember what Erik had said about their home and realize how right he was.  
  
There was nothing but love within those walls, and even when things looked their most desperate; it was certain that love would be coming around again. 


End file.
